Hope Radio

The weekend was very quiet. Friday, I slept from 7 pm until 9 the next morning. I hadn't slept that long in at least a year. Saturday, I went to the kids' school about noon and tablescaped the silent auction items and made some signage. I wanted to leave when I got there. I felt overstimulated and still sleepy even though I had got so much rest. Then I was glad for the company, then I wanted to leave again. I liked the work I had since it was engrossing and I didn't have to talk to anyone very much. After that I came home  about 630 and I put in a movie, but I didn't finish it. I fell asleep until about 11 when Knight texted: "I love you. Can't text now, but I'm not wavering." "I'll tell you about it tomorrow." "You have my love." I answered that he had mine and then I fell back asleep again and didn't wake up until 730 this morning. I still have grading and lesson planning tonight and the kids will be home soo...

I had a couple of really dark, dark days there. The stress of a very tough job, my divorce and Layne's own issues just cratered me. I couldn't get my head up. I was really lucky to have friends come and hold it up for me. I really was. Comments on Facebook, calls, admonishments to eat and suck it up were critical to moving through it. By yesterday afternoon, I was able to see that I needed to stop white knuckling this. Layne needed to make his choices and the only thing I could do was tell my truth and try to move forward even when that was the last thing I could possible want to do. I saw him last night. He was out on the west end of the island. He confessed he was coming from a hangout he thought I might be at. I confessed that I had been at a sports bar in the later evening with my girl bestie and her husband  because I couldn't stomach the idea of being in my bedroom alone. Anyway afterwards I found myself headed to the island. We met. We talked for hours. He to...

I'm lucky to have good friendships, patient parents and ties with others. I have noticed this last couple of years and especially this last year that I have had stalwart friends. They put up with a lot of noise out of me. and I'm SUCH a freaking slow ass learner. Special Ed right here. A dark night of the soul like last night I hope will slap some stupid out of me... I hope... Knight wasn't so knightly. He was just a man. Flawed and weak like everyone else. I credited him attributes maybe he didn't have, though I still contend that he was more extraordinary and was capable of having a wonderous life with a simple faith in himself and with what he wanted out of life. It wasn't any surprise to me when we found "our song", What a Wonderful World...His contention and one of the things that had won me over was how often he talked about wanting more and needing to live a life a wonder. I knew exactly what he meant having a marriage that was the anti...

I'm going to sound like such a pathetic piece of shit when I say this, but who cares? I wish I was dead. I'm sure its very common to feel worthless and abandoned when someone who worked so hard to take down your walls and make you see how beautiful and special you are leaves your ass, but somehow the trite, cliched adolescent aspect of this doesn't make me want to feel any less dead. So there it is. Bottom. I feel self destructive, hopeless, worthless, abandoned, heavy, numb, excruciating pain. I'm not sure if I can take this, people. It's breath by ragged breath. Sleep is a series of nightmares and cramps and tangled sheets. Food is like sand. I am living on coffee and some freakish energy source that gets me up and mothering and teaching. Kind of. I'm so ashamed of how fucked I feel. So damn ashamed.

He texted in the middle of night. I heard it when it came in at two am since I'm not sleeping, but I tried to wait to answer. I wanted to answer fairly and lovingly and I didn't want him worrying about me not sleeping. I know he is hurting. My insides are made of strands of fine glass right now. No matter how careful I am, I can feel the shards dig into my flesh. If I startle from a nightmare or a memory of the out of the blue kisses he would place on my hand in the middle of a city sidewalk or a restaurant things like this dislodge and slam into the clear, merciless material scaffolding my middle and creating precise hairfine slices so clean my organs don't bleed, initially.  Songs, food, smells, places I drive past, the goddamn police now seemingly rolling all over the city in what now feel like daily personal police escorts... the bed we shared...fuck... I pretty much stay in a perpetual hemmorrhage. Last night I had to tell the kids. They only knew us to be happy. My...

I broke it off with Knight again.  He's not ready. I wasn't either when I was unhappy. It took me a long time to leave Tony and I got impatient with Knight. I wanted to be happy now or to at least start on it. I think I was being a little selfish. I should put him first if I love him... I should. but I got self preserving and prideful... I didn't want to manipulate him into staying with me. fuck. He is torn. I love him. very much. I want him to be happy. I want to be able to function and his go ing back and forth was breaking my heart. He didn't mean it. But he couldn't do different. SO. I've taken some steps back. I'm shredded. Work is kicking my ass. Tony is kicking my ass. I just wanted to be loved and most important. It's not my time, yet. I'm trying to be understanding and loving even if it means losing him. There has to be a reason for this...and a way to get through it. but I can't see it, yet.