Hope Radio

I'm posting while sitting at a Discount Tire company having the tires I meant to rotate the other day actually rotated. No, I have no idea why I can't seem to cram it all in from 530a to 1030p, but it drives me nuts! Admittedly, it's only ninish, but the waiting area coffee may be something I consider...like, right now, hold on,gonna risk it... Ew. No creamer...never mind. So I'm tired. Sleep was sketchy on the eve of the trial, then we tackled the regular order of the day and coupled with the three hours of negotiations at family court #3 ...and yeah, I'm one tired bunny rabbit, so tired she considered hopping herself up on tire store waiting room coffee and is now referring to herself in third person and personifying small woodland creatures... Well there were three cases on our docket. One, was a no show, the other went quick and then it was our turn. My bff was there just before me cause that is how she rolls and my parents were late because that's h...

So much is going on right now. We had our latest visitation this last weekend. As it was he came to the house and took them grocery shopping with a list he asks for but doesn't adhere to completely. He decides at the store if the purchase for each item is valid or not. On both days he stays at our house, takes them on errands with the inlaws, but they aren't allowed in the house after the Uncle Jackhole fiasco from a couple of weeks ago. Saturday, Oldest had a come to Jesus with him after he pulled his latest stunts at Walmart. Actually what happened is that Oldest became disgusted with the behavior, came home and just steered clear until Stoic walked into the room where he was and asked him what his problem was. Oldest then proceeded to give it to him with both barrels. "I'm sick of this, Dad. You trying to hurt mom is mostly hurting us." was the opening line and according to Daughter the conversation went on for about an hour. Oldest finally went outside a...

Well Stoic, or one of his family members, without warning, cancelled my phone today and changed the password so I can't even make a payment. I'm at a loss for words. One of my long time friends asked me shortly after I found out whether I was "through being nice?" I am.

I'm better today. Knight and I spoke last night. I told him how much pressure I had been feeling. How insecure I had been. I told him that the lack of distance he was keeping with his wife when he had moved out was basically ripping me to shreds. That I knew as a mom how important the kids were, but that I also knew she was using them to get to him and I felt like  American military in Afghanistan with an ROE (rule of engagement) in this whole situation which was ridiculously impotent against her and protecting our relationship...IF our relationship was really what he wanted. That I could take him doing this if he was just being a BIG STUPID GUY, but that I couldn't if it was a sign of his indecision. That I REALLY REALLY needed to know which is was. I needed to know that he was really in this with me or not. NOT because it would affect my choice to divorce, OMG NO. This is soooo over, but just because if I was a priority I needed to feel like one and that lately I hadn...

The water seeped through my cross trainers into my socks and between my toes as I sat in a crouch in the front yard. Mosquitoes dive bombed my legs and paid no mind to my greasy hands much less my muddled mind. A couple hours earlier my voice confidently carried across the gym as I called out to Daughter and her teammates at their volleyball practice. I sat in the bleachers soothed by the fact that everyone in my sphere was being taken care of by ME with surgical precision. Knight had his uniforms and go bag ready for Scouts and a later Nightwatch shift as a new Lt. The warm dinner I left waiting for him on the stove when he woke up and for my kiddos when I got them home was about the same temperature as  my sense of smugness over just how well had I my crap together running all my morning errands and handling paperwork on top of my general order of the day.  Little Guy, sitting in a contented, new puppy/little boy after school smelling heap, and alternately eating the sna...

Divorce seems to be the operative word for this blog lately,  but there is so much more to my life than just being swallowed whole by a growing-uglie-every-day divorce. I have been blessedly busy with just the day to day routine of breathing in and out and raising four kids. I've been single parenting since April and separated since December. Here's a quick run down of my kids and a day in our life... I have four great kids. Oldest is a sophomore this year and a star CC and track athlete, ROTC student of merit and solid pre-AP student. He is protective and slightly angry at what his father is doing, but also tenderhearted and hilarious. Second is quieter, industrious and also very tenderhearted. He has a longer memory and holds a grudge when he feels he or his have been slighted. When we home-schooled, Second was known as the Informer. If something went awry on the playground we could always get the fair skinny on what went down.  He is also a gifted academic, well-liked b...

The weekend went ok. Someone was banging on my back bedroom window and front door at 730 in the morning on Sunday. Luckily, the big cop one pillow over was there and whoever it was left before they were seen. My oldest and second kiddo went to the attorneys office on Friday to state where they wanted to live and my attorney was really impressed with them. Made a mom proud. Right now I think I'm trying to teach the kids that I don't condone what Stoic's side of the family is doing, but I do understand it. I'm also trying to keep a leash on my oldest because he wants a piece of somebody for all the grief Stoic's side is causing. I try to look at this as an opportunity to teach my oldest that you don't just react to things because you are upset. I'm trying to teach a hormonally challenged 6 foot 2 fifteen year old discernment and patience and understanding. In there somewhere is an idea of what weakness looks like. He styruggles with my not comning at his...

Here's the story about last Saturday... alright, it's not funny. especially for Stoic, really not even  funny for me, still you have to laugh. At nine am, the house was in order and I was deciding what to make the kids for breakfast. Stoic would be coming over soon to hang out with them and then take them over to his mom's to overnight. I reached for a towel to help my littlest guy dry off when I heard a voice I rarely hear in my house, his brother coming down the hallway. Little Guy looked up at me, perplexed. "What is Uncle Jackhole doing here?"he asked. I knew, but I didn't want to say anything to make that face with the big brown eyes and long lashes do anything more than relax, I knew he had come just to bully, but what I said was, "He must have decided to drive Daddy for Grandma." "Yes, mommy but he lives in Dallas. He never comes to our house. He only goes to Grandmas." I tried to keep a cool countenance and continued to dry h...

BIG BIG SIGH... So the war is on. Unfortunately. Bad : My attorney didn't file and then went on vacation and didn't tell me. Stoic filed on me instead. He brought his brother over to the house on Saturday morning to hang out and pick up the kids to take them to his mom's for Saturday  and Sunday. (One kid had changed their mind about going over and so the others went along with my total support.) Brother harassed and taunted me. Read the kids a letter from Tony and asked them if they had any questions to which I responded that they had plenty but wouldn't be comfortable answering them while he was there. He basically said tough he was staying. Tried to boss the kids around and generally be an asshole.  (On the way over to grandma's after they got sick of being brother dicks at my house, Stoic's brother asked the kids if they had had enough to eat because it didn't look like they had gotten to eat very much. I called my my significant other, we'l...

I'm not in a fighting mood these last couple of days. I feel sluggish and like I'm swinging at things in a pitch black room. I'm sure my checks will get here soon, but they haven't, yet. When I told my husband it was over and we separated, he stopped paying any bills with my name on them including a grad school bill at a state school. Which seems fairly innocuous in the grand scheme of screw the wife for leaving me except I worked for a state funded summer program this summer. Can you say Warrant Hold? Yeah. Yes, I paid the grad school bill. It took some doing. Yes, it should iron itself out, but school is starting soon and I know the kids are starting to feel less secure because of the bullshit going on... drained accounts, no access to any of my accounts, never quite sure what hill the relatives will be firing off of next. I don't mind protecting my flanks. I just don't know where they are. I have this sense of being hunted. Like I'm prey. I h...

Well I guess, the ugly part of an ugly divorce is starting whether I wanted it to or not. Saturday morning I called my husband's mom to ask her to keep me in the loop whenever she calls the kids to set up time with them. I told her I wanted the kids to be able to see their grandparents as often as she wanted, but asked her to let me know when plans were made. She said ok. I said thank you and hung up a little relieved that it had gone so smoothly. Five minutes later my oldest calls from their house, where he was helping his grandfather and getting ready to go somewhere with him, very confused and upset. He asked me why I told Grandma he couldn't go with his Grandpa anymore. I was floored and told him it wasn't true. After we got our comms straight, I asked to talk to Grandma and asked her why she said that. I pointed out that my son's name or what plans they already had weren't even a remote part of the conversation, during which she interrupted me and said I wasn...

After the evaluation, Stoic sat down with me in the garden of the rehab center and told me he wanted me out of the house in four months and that he was giving his Power of Attorney to his sister, but he didn't know when. Come to find out he had been to an attorney's office the Friday before with both his mother and his sister. So actually, he DID know, he was just lying.  I remember looking down at the bricks paving the garden path. I didn't say anything at the time other than I understood why he felt the way he did. I looked up and asked him if he wanted me to bring anything the next time I came to visit, knowing I probably wouldn't be visiting anymore. I noted the heavy, cold mass growing in my belly and moving slowly  up to the area just behind my breast bone.  The adrenalin from the familiar, yet suddenly foreign, almost surprising realization that all THIS was really about to happen made the breath passing up my windpipe almost icy. He stood up and then, I did, p...