Divorce sucks

Like my creative title?  Yeah well, deal. That's as much brain power as I plan on allocating.

I think that is my problem. I am poorly skilled at brain power allocation. I give what needs more not enough, and what I can't control, way too much. ok. I take full responsibility. My thoughts are scattered. I'm parked at my neighborhood beach bar watching people making asses of themselves, oh but in a fun way. Knight is at home sleeping and getting mentally suited up for work and his soon to be ex-wife's well manipulated counseling session. Can you say lamb to slaughter?

We went on a walk on the seawall where we had a stilted conversation about how BSC (that's what I call her. A prize to whoever gets the acronym.)is gearing up to assume the role of proctologist where his divorce maneuverings are concerned. He hates when I predict what is about to happen. I know he does, because I used to hate it when people less myopic told me as I finished my divorce. I'm torn between helping him mitigate what is coming down the pike and letting him take it in the head. He's stubborn. He refuses to accept just what she is capable of. Which is fine to a certain extent it's his history, but the extent he is willing to capitulate ends right about where my checkbook begins. Men tend to assume the roles of ostriches when conflict impends--at least he does.

It made me so crazy today I took the truck and came to my favorite beach bar to veg, read and eventually write. I don't want to fight with him or make him feel worse. This is his battle not mine. I know it's hard to navigate a divorce. Divorce sucks. What can I say? Some part of you always looks back and wonders how you could have fixed it. Knight is in the middle of that. Problem is you get so busy looking back you can't see what is going on in front of you. All he knows is, he doesn't get to see his kids much and he thinks what he does now has some impact on that. It doesn't. She's 40 light years past angry in the Galaxy of Please Get an Inoperable Disease incensed and it doesn't matter what he does.

BSC makes it clear she will do all she can to poison the kids' minds and that weighs heavily on him. He tends to want to appease. I know that. I used to do the same thing. Now I know better. Now I call Stoic's bluff. "Really? You stole the joint tax return? Ok. I have to work all summer to make it up. No. I'm not paying for lessons or trips this summer for the kids. I'm not charging debt on a card. YOU face the kids with their questions. Face them from that brand spanking new house you just bought that you could never afford when we were married. I dare you." I wish Knight would do the same. "Really? You want to keep up the court continuances to fuck up my summer visitation with my kids? Fine. You keep the kids this summer since we aren't divorced and they can't stay here if Hope and the kids are here. You explain to your son why he is not with me."

Yeah.
Not so much.
He's not into conflict.
Or calling people on shortcomings they fail to see when they are gleefully pointing out similar ones in others..
It's maddening.

We got a text...several actually where she ends the text barrage with "I don't need to state the obvious, Knight..." when it came to how she feels about my being present for anything kid related in terms of concerts, plays, banquets and end of the year performances, etc. She talks to him like a three year old. One "I think you know the answer to that, BSC" from Knight is met with a text inundation of how rude he is being and how all she is trying to do is keep things civil and how she didn't appreciate his impolite response.  She for one has "turned a corner" and did quite some time ago and feels no need to explain herself, which she then proceeds to do in three page emails...B.S.C I tell ya...B...S...C....

*headshake*

I tend to want to call people out.
It's a character flaw of mine, born of a mutated OH REALLY chromosome.
Knight?
Not so much.

I'm thinking the best thing for me to do at this point is to hold the line and stay out of his business up until it infringes on my financial business. BSC has proven herself to be a manipulating, work averse, history re-writer...it's maddening when her BSCness spills over into my life...but I guess that is the part where I can't say anything really...she's part of the Knight package in a way. no no. not THAT package, you animals.

 It's hard to sit on my hands when I want to punch her in the neck for all her hypocritical stupidities, ok maybe not resort to violence but at least share my displeasure in a satisfactory way. Like a way where I am so erudite, she comes to her sense and begs forgiveness. Hey don't laugh. I went from looking for begging mercy to forgiveness in two short sentences. Throw me a bone.

I read once where a divorcee said that the only way to navigate divorce was to learn to love the ex.
*blink (omg) blink*
If that is true, holy mother of GOD I am SOOOO screwed.

Guilt has this twisted way of making you feel like you need to atone for crap you have no business atoning for...I learned that the hard way. IPC and Coffeypot  among others kinda taught me that...only I was am a slow learner.


I still am.
And I'm stopping now, because I'm no clearer about today than what you see right now.
Which also sucks.