Childhood Arithmetic

Knight and i had a long as in day long off and on...possibly two day long conversation about where all this was headed between us.

Most would say given that we met while married and wanting to leave marriages for a chance at a better life has a karmic or God/moral debt that the mortgage on our relationship wont be able to sustain.

Ok.
I get it.

The thing is here we are.
Still together.
I spent some time trying to run Knight off in the beginning.
He was so sweet.
He texted all the time.
Told me what he thought of me...of us.
As we switched gears between platonic and not so platonic he never wavered. We remained close.

When we broke it off, it didn't last very long. The first time we tried it while his wife was still out of state. We made it three days.

The second time it was about three weeks after she returned when he thought he should give it a try. That lasted about six days, and here recently, we considered it again.

I know he misses his kids and struggles with feeling like a bad person for wanting a new life. So much so, he avoids dealing with his wife, but then also avoids seeing his iids, feeling guilty about that and in turn, coping with the guilt by doing more avoiding...ugh. I wont deceive myself, that kind of behavior worries me in that it"s not the healthiest of approaches and has all sorts of implications for how he will handle our relationship.
)((
What i got out of our most recent conversation is that he wants a life with me and needs help with getting through the emotional backlash inherent with a divorce.

Sigh

That worries me, too. If he is asking for help then is he really ready? Or am I being a fool? I didnt have any of this well timed and I know he feels the same way, but we are together and trying to be gentle with each other.
8
Quite simply in the most child like of arithmetics, I hope he loves me as much as i have come to love him i hope he is brave enough to reach for whatever it is he does want and honest enough with himself to be honest with me. I don't want comfort bought with lies. .  So mste")

Comments

  1. PhilippinesPhilOctober 16, 2012 at 10:59 AM

    I went through what he is now going through twice. The first time I did it the way he's tending to; I felt so bad about what I was doing to my kids, feeling selfish and self-centered that I felt embarrassed and ashamed whenever I went to spend time with them. I would go for days and even weeks avoiding the ugliness of it. It was a huge mistake. I should have gutted it out to let them know how important they still were to me. I spent a lot of time thinking of them, wanting to be with them, but then not going anywhere near them. The second time, with the first experience giving me insights into the better way, I found a way to spend EVERY DAY with them. I took the insults and disparaging comments from their mom and shrugged them off, and cherished every second that I could manage to be with my babies. Tell him and tell him again that he needs to suck it up and SEE those kids as often as possible. Tell him to tell them that he loves them NO MATTER WHAT! You ARE awesome that you seem to already understand this. He needs to STAY with you because YOU are a superior female human being. He will never find better, but the kids need his daily attention too. I can't say that enough...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm a dork...

I wrote a reply to my ex. I did it in bullet points. Yep, since he is brain injured  I always did this thing where I try to make my comms readable for him or to be read to him since his family often writes his texts and emails. Even when I'm finally fed up with taking the high road and fire off the inevitable "I've had a ration of your BS this last year, leave. me. alone" email, Leave it to me to organize it by number with boldfaced keywords. *blink blink* We have had this ridiculously acrimonious divorce. Cop cars are kicked and pummeled. Drivebys ensue. Home gets raided by inlaws. Money is stolen. Accusations involving mental health , sexual appetites general levels of integrity and character, all get hurled like wads of soggy toilet paper And I'm still putting his email in bullet points for readability. Laughing... OMIGOSH.. I'm a dork.
Read more

Insides and outsides

He texted in the middle of night. I heard it when it came in at two am since I'm not sleeping, but I tried to wait to answer. I wanted to answer fairly and lovingly and I didn't want him worrying about me not sleeping. I know he is hurting. My insides are made of strands of fine glass right now. No matter how careful I am, I can feel the shards dig into my flesh. If I startle from a nightmare or a memory of the out of the blue kisses he would place on my hand in the middle of a city sidewalk or a restaurant things like this dislodge and slam into the clear, merciless material scaffolding my middle and creating precise hairfine slices so clean my organs don't bleed, initially.  Songs, food, smells, places I drive past, the goddamn police now seemingly rolling all over the city in what now feel like daily personal police escorts... the bed we shared...fuck... I pretty much stay in a perpetual hemmorrhage. Last night I had to tell the kids. They only knew us to be happy. My
Read more

Upside Downside

After the evaluation, Stoic sat down with me in the garden of the rehab center and told me he wanted me out of the house in four months and that he was giving his Power of Attorney to his sister, but he didn't know when. Come to find out he had been to an attorney's office the Friday before with both his mother and his sister. So actually, he DID know, he was just lying.  I remember looking down at the bricks paving the garden path. I didn't say anything at the time other than I understood why he felt the way he did. I looked up and asked him if he wanted me to bring anything the next time I came to visit, knowing I probably wouldn't be visiting anymore. I noted the heavy, cold mass growing in my belly and moving slowly  up to the area just behind my breast bone.  The adrenalin from the familiar, yet suddenly foreign, almost surprising realization that all THIS was really about to happen made the breath passing up my windpipe almost icy. He stood up and then, I did, p
Read more