Hope Radio

The weekend was very quiet. Friday, I slept from 7 pm until 9 the next morning. I hadn't slept that long in at least a year. Saturday, I went to the kids' school about noon and tablescaped the silent auction items and made some signage. I wanted to leave when I got there. I felt overstimulated and still sleepy even though I had got so much rest. Then I was glad for the company, then I wanted to leave again. I liked the work I had since it was engrossing and I didn't have to talk to anyone very much. After that I came home  about 630 and I put in a movie, but I didn't finish it. I fell asleep until about 11 when Knight texted: "I love you. Can't text now, but I'm not wavering." "I'll tell you about it tomorrow." "You have my love." I answered that he had mine and then I fell back asleep again and didn't wake up until 730 this morning. I still have grading and lesson planning tonight and the kids will be home soo

I had a couple of really dark, dark days there. The stress of a very tough job, my divorce and Layne's own issues just cratered me. I couldn't get my head up. I was really lucky to have friends come and hold it up for me. I really was. Comments on Facebook, calls, admonishments to eat and suck it up were critical to moving through it. By yesterday afternoon, I was able to see that I needed to stop white knuckling this. Layne needed to make his choices and the only thing I could do was tell my truth and try to move forward even when that was the last thing I could possible want to do. I saw him last night. He was out on the west end of the island. He confessed he was coming from a hangout he thought I might be at. I confessed that I had been at a sports bar in the later evening with my girl bestie and her husband  because I couldn't stomach the idea of being in my bedroom alone. Anyway afterwards I found myself headed to the island. We met. We talked for hours. He to

I'm lucky to have good friendships, patient parents and ties with others. I have noticed this last couple of years and especially this last year that I have had stalwart friends. They put up with a lot of noise out of me. and I'm SUCH a freaking slow ass learner. Special Ed right here. A dark night of the soul like last night I hope will slap some stupid out of me... I hope... Knight wasn't so knightly. He was just a man. Flawed and weak like everyone else. I credited him attributes maybe he didn't have, though I still contend that he was more extraordinary and was capable of having a wonderous life with a simple faith in himself and with what he wanted out of life. It wasn't any surprise to me when we found "our song", What a Wonderful World...His contention and one of the things that had won me over was how often he talked about wanting more and needing to live a life a wonder. I knew exactly what he meant having a marriage that was the anti

I'm going to sound like such a pathetic piece of shit when I say this, but who cares? I wish I was dead. I'm sure its very common to feel worthless and abandoned when someone who worked so hard to take down your walls and make you see how beautiful and special you are leaves your ass, but somehow the trite, cliched adolescent aspect of this doesn't make me want to feel any less dead. So there it is. Bottom. I feel self destructive, hopeless, worthless, abandoned, heavy, numb, excruciating pain. I'm not sure if I can take this, people. It's breath by ragged breath. Sleep is a series of nightmares and cramps and tangled sheets. Food is like sand. I am living on coffee and some freakish energy source that gets me up and mothering and teaching. Kind of. I'm so ashamed of how fucked I feel. So damn ashamed.

He texted in the middle of night. I heard it when it came in at two am since I'm not sleeping, but I tried to wait to answer. I wanted to answer fairly and lovingly and I didn't want him worrying about me not sleeping. I know he is hurting. My insides are made of strands of fine glass right now. No matter how careful I am, I can feel the shards dig into my flesh. If I startle from a nightmare or a memory of the out of the blue kisses he would place on my hand in the middle of a city sidewalk or a restaurant things like this dislodge and slam into the clear, merciless material scaffolding my middle and creating precise hairfine slices so clean my organs don't bleed, initially.  Songs, food, smells, places I drive past, the goddamn police now seemingly rolling all over the city in what now feel like daily personal police escorts... the bed we shared...fuck... I pretty much stay in a perpetual hemmorrhage. Last night I had to tell the kids. They only knew us to be happy. My

I broke it off with Knight again.  He's not ready. I wasn't either when I was unhappy. It took me a long time to leave Tony and I got impatient with Knight. I wanted to be happy now or to at least start on it. I think I was being a little selfish. I should put him first if I love him... I should. but I got self preserving and prideful... I didn't want to manipulate him into staying with me. fuck. He is torn. I love him. very much. I want him to be happy. I want to be able to function and his go ing back and forth was breaking my heart. He didn't mean it. But he couldn't do different. SO. I've taken some steps back. I'm shredded. Work is kicking my ass. Tony is kicking my ass. I just wanted to be loved and most important. It's not my time, yet. I'm trying to be understanding and loving even if it means losing him. There has to be a reason for this...and a way to get through it. but I can't see it, yet.

I found my wedding picture this weekend. It's incredulous to watch how far from this we have come. I remember we quarreled over the phone on the morning of our wedding about his mom being rude about the cars my father had arranged. I remember his sisters, one a bridesmaid the other maid of honor, not coming over to my home the morning of the wedding, I remember one friend telling me I shouldn't marry him..that I WAS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. I dismissed that, believing deeply that just the reverse was true and excusing away his family's behavior though neither pattern of belief served me in the least being the unbelievably slow ass learner that I am. One of the reasons I was so reluctant to divorce was because I thought I was such a mess and Tony was the noble, upright one. I couldn't possibly be anything, but mistaken about what I needed or wanted and woefully selfish to entertain it. That lonely, trapped state of mind was a living hell. Now I look at all the hateful, petty

School is tough. I dont send kids to the office or complain, but here I will: NO SUPPLIES. NO COMPUTER ACCESS. A FIGHT NEARLY EVERYDAY. COMPETING FOR THIS JOB. ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THIS JOB WHEN I DONT HAVE THE TOOLS, YET TO DO MY JOB. Whats my job you ask? Taking attendance, meeting modification plans, planning lessons, making discipline referrals, maintaining classroom procedures, knowing where each kid goes after and before school. All this stuff and more requires computer access, a mailbox, virtual and real, tape, scissors, stapler, file folders, sticky notes, a calendar, resources for extending lessons and some semblance of an idea asap so i can be ready for testing in two weeks. Yeah. Not going to happen in time. The boss is still interviewing. I realize I accidentally capped some of all that but fuck it thats how it sounds in my head so what the hell. Tony, let's just call stoic who he is, got a new computer and wifi at his mom's but he is refusing to allow the kids to

Knight and i had a long as in day long off and on...possibly two day long conversation about where all this was headed between us. Most would say given that we met while married and wanting to leave marriages for a chance at a better life has a karmic or God/moral debt that the mortgage on our relationship wont be able to sustain. Ok. I get it. The thing is here we are. Still together. I spent some time trying to run Knight off in the beginning. He was so sweet. He texted all the time. Told me what he thought of me...of us. As we switched gears between platonic and not so platonic he never wavered. We remained close. When we broke it off, it didn't last very long. The first time we tried it while his wife was still out of state. We made it three days. The second time it was about three weeks after she returned when he thought he should give it a try. That lasted about six days, and here recently, we considered it again. I know he misses his kids and struggles with feel

School is going well. They are a huge challenge behaviorally, but I enjoy it and frankly, I'm good with knuckleheads... *facepalm* Okay...USUALLY good. My only bump in the road was today when I left a faculty meeting I didn't find out about until noon time to attend a meeting at my children's school. The Assistant Principal, immediately birddogged me out and WTFd me in so many words. I explained what I just told you. She then reiterated her issue (BUT THIS IS A FACULTY MEETING!)) which is what people do when you haven't complied (READ HERE: turned around and gone back into the meeting properly chastized,) to which I answered that I wasn't on faculty, I was a sub with no computer priveleges,email accounts or GISD system access--not faculty meaning not privy to memos, emails or team meetings nor was I being compensated for those hours. I politely and cheerfully pointed out that I had been more than happy to give her an hour and a half of my personal time as

Here is the latest assholery... Oh but, before we go into THAT, did I mention he called me at 5:59am this morning to, I assume, think he was busting me for Knight's truck being in the driveway before 6am? Nice try, Stoic, but last night, Knight was on a major call with the Marine Dive Team, which he commands, AND I WENT WITH HIM TO GALVESTON, in case it wound up not taking all night. It was his night off and we were hoping to salvage our plans which is why I went. Laws of Physics and cloning limitations make it difficult to drive a police vehicle AND a personal one at the same time, but I appreciate Stoic's impression of his current super powers. I think Knight's pretty cool myself. I'll be sure to pass on Stoic's high esteem and regards. Anyway. A for effort . Next time I see Stoic, he gets a sticker! And now to our regularly scheduled idiocy. Stoic: Comcast said that $294.16 is due by Sept 8 or service will be cutoff  Me: It was not something we agreed I&#

I'm posting while sitting at a Discount Tire company having the tires I meant to rotate the other day actually rotated. No, I have no idea why I can't seem to cram it all in from 530a to 1030p, but it drives me nuts! Admittedly, it's only ninish, but the waiting area coffee may be something I consider...like, right now, hold on,gonna risk it... Ew. No creamer...never mind. So I'm tired. Sleep was sketchy on the eve of the trial, then we tackled the regular order of the day and coupled with the three hours of negotiations at family court #3 ...and yeah, I'm one tired bunny rabbit, so tired she considered hopping herself up on tire store waiting room coffee and is now referring to herself in third person and personifying small woodland creatures... Well there were three cases on our docket. One, was a no show, the other went quick and then it was our turn. My bff was there just before me cause that is how she rolls and my parents were late because that's h

So much is going on right now. We had our latest visitation this last weekend. As it was he came to the house and took them grocery shopping with a list he asks for but doesn't adhere to completely. He decides at the store if the purchase for each item is valid or not. On both days he stays at our house, takes them on errands with the inlaws, but they aren't allowed in the house after the Uncle Jackhole fiasco from a couple of weeks ago. Saturday, Oldest had a come to Jesus with him after he pulled his latest stunts at Walmart. Actually what happened is that Oldest became disgusted with the behavior, came home and just steered clear until Stoic walked into the room where he was and asked him what his problem was. Oldest then proceeded to give it to him with both barrels. "I'm sick of this, Dad. You trying to hurt mom is mostly hurting us." was the opening line and according to Daughter the conversation went on for about an hour. Oldest finally went outside a

Well Stoic, or one of his family members, without warning, cancelled my phone today and changed the password so I can't even make a payment. I'm at a loss for words. One of my long time friends asked me shortly after I found out whether I was "through being nice?" I am.

I'm better today. Knight and I spoke last night. I told him how much pressure I had been feeling. How insecure I had been. I told him that the lack of distance he was keeping with his wife when he had moved out was basically ripping me to shreds. That I knew as a mom how important the kids were, but that I also knew she was using them to get to him and I felt like  American military in Afghanistan with an ROE (rule of engagement) in this whole situation which was ridiculously impotent against her and protecting our relationship...IF our relationship was really what he wanted. That I could take him doing this if he was just being a BIG STUPID GUY, but that I couldn't if it was a sign of his indecision. That I REALLY REALLY needed to know which is was. I needed to know that he was really in this with me or not. NOT because it would affect my choice to divorce, OMG NO. This is soooo over, but just because if I was a priority I needed to feel like one and that lately I hadn

The water seeped through my cross trainers into my socks and between my toes as I sat in a crouch in the front yard. Mosquitoes dive bombed my legs and paid no mind to my greasy hands much less my muddled mind. A couple hours earlier my voice confidently carried across the gym as I called out to Daughter and her teammates at their volleyball practice. I sat in the bleachers soothed by the fact that everyone in my sphere was being taken care of by ME with surgical precision. Knight had his uniforms and go bag ready for Scouts and a later Nightwatch shift as a new Lt. The warm dinner I left waiting for him on the stove when he woke up and for my kiddos when I got them home was about the same temperature as  my sense of smugness over just how well had I my crap together running all my morning errands and handling paperwork on top of my general order of the day.  Little Guy, sitting in a contented, new puppy/little boy after school smelling heap, and alternately eating the snacks I had

Divorce seems to be the operative word for this blog lately,  but there is so much more to my life than just being swallowed whole by a growing-uglie-every-day divorce. I have been blessedly busy with just the day to day routine of breathing in and out and raising four kids. I've been single parenting since April and separated since December. Here's a quick run down of my kids and a day in our life... I have four great kids. Oldest is a sophomore this year and a star CC and track athlete, ROTC student of merit and solid pre-AP student. He is protective and slightly angry at what his father is doing, but also tenderhearted and hilarious. Second is quieter, industrious and also very tenderhearted. He has a longer memory and holds a grudge when he feels he or his have been slighted. When we home-schooled, Second was known as the Informer. If something went awry on the playground we could always get the fair skinny on what went down.  He is also a gifted academic, well-liked by

The weekend went ok. Someone was banging on my back bedroom window and front door at 730 in the morning on Sunday. Luckily, the big cop one pillow over was there and whoever it was left before they were seen. My oldest and second kiddo went to the attorneys office on Friday to state where they wanted to live and my attorney was really impressed with them. Made a mom proud. Right now I think I'm trying to teach the kids that I don't condone what Stoic's side of the family is doing, but I do understand it. I'm also trying to keep a leash on my oldest because he wants a piece of somebody for all the grief Stoic's side is causing. I try to look at this as an opportunity to teach my oldest that you don't just react to things because you are upset. I'm trying to teach a hormonally challenged 6 foot 2 fifteen year old discernment and patience and understanding. In there somewhere is an idea of what weakness looks like. He styruggles with my not comning at his

Here's the story about last Saturday... alright, it's not funny. especially for Stoic, really not even  funny for me, still you have to laugh. At nine am, the house was in order and I was deciding what to make the kids for breakfast. Stoic would be coming over soon to hang out with them and then take them over to his mom's to overnight. I reached for a towel to help my littlest guy dry off when I heard a voice I rarely hear in my house, his brother coming down the hallway. Little Guy looked up at me, perplexed. "What is Uncle Jackhole doing here?"he asked. I knew, but I didn't want to say anything to make that face with the big brown eyes and long lashes do anything more than relax, I knew he had come just to bully, but what I said was, "He must have decided to drive Daddy for Grandma." "Yes, mommy but he lives in Dallas. He never comes to our house. He only goes to Grandmas." I tried to keep a cool countenance and continued to dry h

BIG BIG SIGH... So the war is on. Unfortunately. Bad : My attorney didn't file and then went on vacation and didn't tell me. Stoic filed on me instead. He brought his brother over to the house on Saturday morning to hang out and pick up the kids to take them to his mom's for Saturday  and Sunday. (One kid had changed their mind about going over and so the others went along with my total support.) Brother harassed and taunted me. Read the kids a letter from Tony and asked them if they had any questions to which I responded that they had plenty but wouldn't be comfortable answering them while he was there. He basically said tough he was staying. Tried to boss the kids around and generally be an asshole.  (On the way over to grandma's after they got sick of being brother dicks at my house, Stoic's brother asked the kids if they had had enough to eat because it didn't look like they had gotten to eat very much. I called my my significant other, we'l

I'm not in a fighting mood these last couple of days. I feel sluggish and like I'm swinging at things in a pitch black room. I'm sure my checks will get here soon, but they haven't, yet. When I told my husband it was over and we separated, he stopped paying any bills with my name on them including a grad school bill at a state school. Which seems fairly innocuous in the grand scheme of screw the wife for leaving me except I worked for a state funded summer program this summer. Can you say Warrant Hold? Yeah. Yes, I paid the grad school bill. It took some doing. Yes, it should iron itself out, but school is starting soon and I know the kids are starting to feel less secure because of the bullshit going on... drained accounts, no access to any of my accounts, never quite sure what hill the relatives will be firing off of next. I don't mind protecting my flanks. I just don't know where they are. I have this sense of being hunted. Like I'm prey. I h

Well I guess, the ugly part of an ugly divorce is starting whether I wanted it to or not. Saturday morning I called my husband's mom to ask her to keep me in the loop whenever she calls the kids to set up time with them. I told her I wanted the kids to be able to see their grandparents as often as she wanted, but asked her to let me know when plans were made. She said ok. I said thank you and hung up a little relieved that it had gone so smoothly. Five minutes later my oldest calls from their house, where he was helping his grandfather and getting ready to go somewhere with him, very confused and upset. He asked me why I told Grandma he couldn't go with his Grandpa anymore. I was floored and told him it wasn't true. After we got our comms straight, I asked to talk to Grandma and asked her why she said that. I pointed out that my son's name or what plans they already had weren't even a remote part of the conversation, during which she interrupted me and said I wasn

After the evaluation, Stoic sat down with me in the garden of the rehab center and told me he wanted me out of the house in four months and that he was giving his Power of Attorney to his sister, but he didn't know when. Come to find out he had been to an attorney's office the Friday before with both his mother and his sister. So actually, he DID know, he was just lying.  I remember looking down at the bricks paving the garden path. I didn't say anything at the time other than I understood why he felt the way he did. I looked up and asked him if he wanted me to bring anything the next time I came to visit, knowing I probably wouldn't be visiting anymore. I noted the heavy, cold mass growing in my belly and moving slowly  up to the area just behind my breast bone.  The adrenalin from the familiar, yet suddenly foreign, almost surprising realization that all THIS was really about to happen made the breath passing up my windpipe almost icy. He stood up and then, I did, p

I'm on my way to a three month post stroke evaluation meeting for my husband. We have been married twenty years last month. I've wanted a divorce for six of those last years. I was a coward for five and a half before the separation and the stroke he had while working out one morning in April. I've been taking care of him for the last three months, but that is about to change now because my involvement in his life is beginning to affect his recovery. He wants me to stay married and I cannot and this is distracting him from therapy during a time when everyday counts towards how good of an outcome he eventually has and what his quality of life can be. I stayed to take care of him because of our children and  and because I wanted to insure he had the very best outcome. I also stayed because I love him. It's just not the kind of love that will sustain a marriage. His parents want me out of our home.They took one of our cars while I was away from my home since it had bee