Kicking my ass...

I'm better today.
Knight and I spoke last night.
I told him how much pressure I had been feeling.
How insecure I had been.
I told him that the lack of distance he was keeping with his wife when he had moved out was basically ripping me to shreds. That I knew as a mom how important the kids were, but that I also knew she was using them to get to him and I felt like  American military in Afghanistan with an ROE (rule of engagement) in this whole situation which was ridiculously impotent against her and protecting our relationship...IF our relationship was really what he wanted.
That I could take him doing this if he was just being a BIG STUPID GUY, but that I couldn't if it was a sign of his indecision. That I REALLY REALLY needed to know which is was.

I needed to know that he was really in this with me or not.
NOT because it would affect my choice to divorce, OMG NO. This is soooo over, but just because if I was a priority I needed to feel like one and that lately I hadn't.

Talking like that SUCKED.
Feeling that exposed is not my best thing...not even remotely. 

It was a good talk.
He says he loves me and that he is committed.

He reminded me that I have been under an amazing amount of pressure and that his new job is also weighing heavily but he hadn't wanted to tell me.

We basically put all our thoughts out on the table and gathered our resources to make a plan together.
We talked.
Our ability to do this is why I love him so much.
This is why I have so much hope for us.
We can talk.
He may be all cop like and your typical GUY...but his desire to want to try to understand even when he does not feel confident that he will really makes me love him...makes me feel humbled and ready to be vulnerable in return...Make sense?

Shrug...dunno. I'm running on no sleep, but the comfort of the talk makes up for the sleepy, foggy-headedness.

Yeesh.
This divorce is really kicking my ass.

Comments

  1. RedAugust 22, 2012 at 6:36 PM

    It is so great that y'all can talk! I know it's hard but communication is key... It's terrific that you found a guy who can talk and be honest... I'm happy for you! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousAugust 22, 2012 at 10:16 PM

    attta girl. :)

    ReplyDelete

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