Fraud.

The water seeped through my cross trainers into my socks and between my toes as I sat in a crouch in the front yard. Mosquitoes dive bombed my legs and paid no mind to my greasy hands much less my muddled mind.

A couple hours earlier my voice confidently carried across the gym as I called out to Daughter and her teammates at their volleyball practice. I sat in the bleachers soothed by the fact that everyone in my sphere was being taken care of by ME with surgical precision. Knight had his uniforms and go bag ready for Scouts and a later Nightwatch shift as a new Lt. The warm dinner I left waiting for him on the stove when he woke up and for my kiddos when I got them home was about the same temperature as  my sense of smugness over just how well had I my crap together running all my morning errands and handling paperwork on top of my general order of the day.

 Little Guy, sitting in a contented, new puppy/little boy after school smelling heap, and alternately eating the snacks I had pre-planned and packed or patiently walking back and forth between his sister's practice inside and Second's soccer practice out melted me whenever he slipped his hand in mine or rested his head on my lap between bites and drinks.

What? The team cooler needed refilling? Nooo problem. Be right there.

My shit was wired, I tell ya!
W-i-r-e-d.

What a bunch of BS.

I look at this blog and hear myself sound all noble and virtuous, organized and focused and I feel like a damn fraud.

I couldn't get my shit together or my big girl panties dug out of my ass long enough to end a marriage when it died.

Nope.

I stuck around and used my kids as an excuse to try to fix it when I didn't really fix it or particularly want to. Affairs only put a bandaid on it...gave me some false sense of control and acceptance.

No bad is all bad and no good is all good, I've certainly come to understand that.

I see it in the lessons I learned from the affairs I did have, from being a part of a family that never accepted me or in a marriage that I never cultivated well or even understood. I take responsibility for the levels to which I elevated stupidity. Incomplete relationships, inattention or a lack of marital acumen or even a sense of self all taught me something whether I was am a card carrying gold card carrying member of The Short School Bus Club Express or not.
I get it.
I get it.
I never expected enough from anyone or myself or maybe I expected too much.
I'm pretty sure this is all a question of balance that I CURRENTLY DO NOT HAVE.

But out in the yard today washing dishes with a fucking garden hose and shooting myself in the face *inhale* trying to rinse out a ladle full of old Alfredo sauce like some kind of idiot trying out for Redneck of the Year *inhale* because Stoic never wanted to fix the damn plumbing just torpedoed my sense of order and balance.

Taking care of Knight, keeping the kids together and on track, *inhale* reminding them to do the same thing over and over and having them ignore the hell out of me, *inhale* wondering if Knight is really going to file or am I just letting him take an unusually long test drive *inhale* and yeah everyone who knows that we are together will say I told you so when they realize that he's all but living here *inhale* and I'm all but acting like his wife already will say what a stupid idiot I am for getting all this shit out of order...and it serves me right for trying too hard...damn.

Where was I?

I don't know.
I'm pissed.
I'm sorry.
I'm regretful.
I hate failing.
I even hate me a little right now for needing a hug when all that would do would make me cry like a fucking idiot and add another layer to this seven layer chocolate crap cake I have going here.
Could I be more pathetic?
And if I could, then where is this simultaneous urge to punch someone anyone in the windpipe coming from?

When do I get to just feel like shit and not feel like shit about feeling like shit or even using the word Shit?
When will I feel secure about Knight or myself or anything?
Is it wrong to feel bad that he won't talk to me if his kids are around or when he takes his wife and kids for a movie and back to his old house family dinner? Even if it 'just happened' and he didn't want to disappoint his kids when they asked him to include her? Because I'm not even sure that is how it happened. It's just what I chose to believe so I won't feel like such a fucking moron. ( and no, that time I didn't even inhale, I just wrote it in a hurry and promised myself I would not go back and do a damn thing about what I'm saying...)

Am I still setting myself up for failure not asking for what I need or am I being selfish? I mean. He did leave her once and I sent him back. I knew he wasn't ready. I could feel it. So we broke it off clean.
for about a week.
Then after another couple of weeks, he came back.
He said it was over and that he wanted a life with me.
We met under a streetlight at three in the morning after a hellish few days and declared ourselves fervently unabashedly in love and unable to live without the other.
Exactly what I wanted to hear.
Needed to hear
I really do love this man who puts up with my crap and tries to understand me while I take all this fire from Stoic et al.
and so here we are.
BUt the divorce has been so ugly and he doesn't want to fight a two front war or pay spousal maintenance so he waits for things to calm down with my end and for his wife to find that job she came back to Texas to find when she thought they were getting back together. When threats and anger didn't work she told him she would just bide her time until he came to his senses and left me again.

Can I say an attitude like that freaks me WAY more out than her stalking me or calling me or threatening to take Knight to the cleaners?

Well it sure the fuck does.

See how convoluted this is?

I know.
Things could really go to more shit  and there will be nothing I can do about it.
It's a damn theme.

Which I think is the order of the day month  year  last six  years.

damn
damn
damn
I'm tired.

I worry about the kids not thinking too bad of their dad.
I worry about not pushing Knight to stand up to his wife and to still do so much to keep me off radar if he is around them.
I worry about whether I'm parenting well and if I'm even a particularly good person.

I used to think I was.
I clung to that.
Alot.

But now I'm not sure covered in smelly Alfredo water and feeling like nothing good came from making sure everyone had what they needed today.

I expect all these feelings will pass since I seem to have feelings like others have white corpuscles,
but fuck.

I could dive under the cover for a couple of days.
Easy.
Instead I've opted for this uneditted verbal vomit with both arms wrapped around a lap top, my hair clearly not held back and nothing to show for it, but a bad taste in my mouth.

Kill me.