Stumble

Here's the story about last Saturday... alright, it's not funny. especially for Stoic, really not even  funny for me, still you have to laugh.

At nine am, the house was in order and I was deciding what to make the kids for breakfast. Stoic would be coming over soon to hang out with them and then take them over to his mom's to overnight. I reached for a towel to help my littlest guy dry off when I heard a voice I rarely hear in my house, his brother coming down the hallway. Little Guy looked up at me, perplexed.
"What is Uncle Jackhole doing here?"he asked.
I knew, but I didn't want to say anything to make that face with the big brown eyes and long lashes do anything more than relax, I knew he had come just to bully, but what I said was,
"He must have decided to drive Daddy for Grandma."
"Yes, mommy but he lives in Dallas. He never comes to our house. He only goes to Grandmas."
I tried to keep a cool countenance and continued to dry him off and help him with his hair as I said, "Well, he must have missed Daddy."
"Did you know he was coming, Mommy?" he mumbled under his big fluffy towel before his face emerged and he looked at me wide with the expectation of an answer.
Eight year olds aren't even remotely stupid.

I walk into the living room as Little Guy bops in front of me to his room just off of that and Jackhole is marshaling my other kids to the couch and Stoic has this triumphant look on his face. In a stilted voice he calls for Little Guy all full of bluster. The power shift was in full swing. Knight was right.

The night prior, Knight had been on the phone with me for a while going over possible scenarios for today as it was assumed whatever got said would be recorded by him or by me. He wanted me ready. Being a cop and dealing with interrogation as a detective really came in handy as he drilled me over possible conversations and strategies Stoic might use.  Unfortunately, bringing over his 6'2, 250 pound brother to throw his weight around wasn't one of the scenarios.

Jackhole stood by the door with all my kids on the couch and read a letter from Stoic basically assuring the kids that he would buy food and not have mom moved out of the house for now. He acknowledged his having filed for divorce and said that he loved them. Jackhole finisehd reading the letter and looked up at the kids who were sitting in front of him thrown by what was going on and intimidated as Jackhole stood there and asked them if they had any questions.  All four pairs of big, brown eyes looked at me and I looked at Jackhole and fighting every urge I had to fly across the room and claw out his eyes as evenly as I could manage  told him I knew they did, but they certainly wouldn't be asking him anything in front of him.

"Well, I'm staying." said Jackhole

I can't describe how it felt to have this man in my house that I didn't want there. I was mad. I was shaking. I looked at Stoic blindsided, I'm sure, and Stoic was loving it.

"I want you to go, Jackhole." And I really did. This big neckless wonder had questioned the paternity everytime we had a child just for grins. Watching him stand there over my kids and strutting  around my house was almost more than I knew what to do with for a moment...a moment, then I called Knight and asked him if I could make him go. Sleepy from being awoken, me, too shaken to explain what was going on made the conversation unnproductive and coupled with both of them standing there sneering at me, I hung up with Knight, worried I was cutting into his sleep or time with his own kids but, also in livid mama bear mode.

"Is. that. your. boyfriend?" Stoic asked me in halting stuttering language as I hung up.

"Let's just get something straight right now, Stoic. You can pull whatever you want to pull right at the moment, but you aren't helping yourself anymore than you did when you drained our bank account last Friday or stole the last four hundred out of my purse the next day--"

"Has he been here." Stoic interrupted.

Weighing my words like you would when you are looking for just the right big stick, I answered,
"Yes, as a matter of fact the minute you stole all the money, he stepped up and took care the kids no questions asked. Groceries and gas cost money, Stoic. Somebody had to man up."

His jaw tightened and Jackhole shifted his weight before both of them walked into the diningroom. Yep. I winged him, but at that point, I didn't care. Reaching for my phone, I dialed another number and my best friend answered.

"Can you come over, right now?" That's all I could manage as she asked me what was wrong. She could tell whatever it was, it was bad, because all I could manage was a repeat of my  initial question and some bits and pieces about who was there and who wasn't leaving.

Fast forward, she came over. They stayed and we all played a bizaare kind of barely civil Mexican standoff until they left. A couple of times I had to ask Stoic to back up out of my space. He was angry I hadn't been served, yet and followed me into the kitchen to try to ask me why.

Incredulous, I answered, "Stoic, why on Earth would I know that, much less care? You sure seem to have a lot to talk to your attorney about, now please back up a little, you are too close again."

He rolled his eyes at me and went back to Jackhole while my friend shot me a look of mild disgust as she sat at the counter in the kitchen.

I think the main point of contention for me that day was coming to grips with how much of a paradigm shift this was. In spite of my not being in love with him anymore, I stayed to care for him. I do love him. I just wanted to not be married anymore and I wanted to end things in the gentlest way I could.
What I was getting instead was:
How it felt to not feel safe in my home.
How it felt to have someone who had loved me so much once, have so much contempt.
How it felt to be backed in a corner like that.

I wound up needing a few hours to digest it all, quit reeling and realize just how far I would have to go in order to show he and his family I wasn't going to be as easily handled as they anticipated.

The audiofile of him admitting to forcing himself on me was now on the table.
The matter of his legal impairment and what kind of custody I would agree to would be changing.
How much of our estate I wanted now had changed.
My dogged determination to protect his recovery process at my mental and emotional expense was no longer a primary objective.

I stumbled in filing for divorce. I chose poorly, attorney wise.
I stumbled in pursuing a divorce out of guilt, concern and a lack of self worth.

I'm not stumbling anymore.

Nope.
Stoic did that when he came back to drop the kids off with his brother and some groceries (ha) and Knight's police unit was sitting in the driveway.
Stoic did that when he tried to jump out of Jackhole's still moving car  and in front of five people, hit and kicked the windows and the body of the car so hard, the camera fell off the windshield, hit the dash and broke.

He stumbled when he didn't realize that Knight is a nightwatch commander and nights, the time periods he demands the house absent of anyone, but me and the children, don't make for any of the hassle he had planned on.

He can keep up all this nonsense.
It doesn't matter to me.
His family can keep stalking the house with their multiple, daily drive bys.
Go right ahead.
It just doesn't matter to me anymore.
On the other hand, it might to him if he carries it over to our property again.

Knight installed motion activated security cameras that stream to offsite servers on Tuesday.