I get it.

I'm not in a fighting mood these last couple of days. I feel sluggish and like I'm swinging at things in a pitch black room. I'm sure my checks will get here soon, but they haven't, yet. When I told my husband it was over and we separated, he stopped paying any bills with my name on them including a grad school bill at a state school. Which seems fairly innocuous in the grand scheme of screw the wife for leaving me except I worked for a state funded summer program this summer.

Can you say Warrant Hold?

Yeah.

Yes, I paid the grad school bill.
It took some doing.
Yes, it should iron itself out, but school is starting soon and I know the kids are starting to feel less secure because of the bullshit going on... drained accounts, no access to any of my accounts, never quite sure what hill the relatives will be firing off of next.

I don't mind protecting my flanks. I just don't know where they are.
I have this sense of being hunted.
Like I'm prey.
I hate it.
It's not who I am.

I'm mad and a little stunned at how he has morphed into this other person.
Even as I knew that I needed to go I did not feel any sense of incongruity in sticking around and trying to help him through his injury.

Have I changed?
Yes?
But I didn't get nasty or unkind.

Ok.
I get it.
I wanted out.
I was miserable and I finally cracked enough to  do this drastic thing and now he's  hell bent on making me pay though.
More later.
I don't feel like writing anymore.

Comments

  1. RedAugust 11, 2012 at 5:27 PM

    Oh, Hope... I'm so sorry you're goIng through this... I wish I had good words of strength & encouragement to offer but nothing I can say will help

    ReplyDelete
  2. PhilippinesPhilAugust 16, 2012 at 6:26 AM

    I feel BOTH of you... When someone that I love dumps me, which is how he sees what's happened to him by you, well, the love he HAD for you turned into hate. And you know him, he bottles what's in him until it comes out like a shaken can of coke. Expect more ugliness, a lot more. I would NOT want to be this man's enemy. You got to get mean now Hope. It's all about self-preservation baby. Protect yourself. Take deep breaths and put some steel into that spine and a glint in your eye. Be a man!

    ReplyDelete

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