Knight

I'm lucky to have good friendships, patient parents and ties with others. I have noticed this last couple of years and especially this last year that I have had stalwart friends. They put up with a lot of noise out of me.

and

I'm SUCH a freaking slow ass learner.
Special Ed right here.
A dark night of the soul like last night I hope will slap some stupid out of me...

I hope...

Knight wasn't so knightly.
He was just a man.
Flawed and weak like everyone else.
I credited him attributes maybe he didn't have, though I still contend that he was more extraordinary and was capable of having a wonderous life with a simple faith in himself and with what he wanted out of life. It wasn't any surprise to me when we found "our song", What a Wonderful World...His contention and one of the things that had won me over was how often he talked about wanting more and needing to live a life a wonder. I knew exactly what he meant having a marriage that was the antithesis of any of that.

I think I was just so DAMN SURE that I was right about us that it clouded whether he thought so.
In fact my energy in the relationship kept him from having to contribute his own. He couldn't be honest about things, he was afraid of how he would look, he was paralyzed by guilt and shame and fear.  And anyone who has put up with my shit for more than a few years knows that I was in that place for far longer than I should have been myself.

My belief was that we found each other because of similar stories and so that my story could ease the pain of his which he wasn't as far along in.  Surely with the perspective I had, this would buy him a chance to avoid a lot of the struggles I had faced...surely, he could learn from my mistakes and we could be happy. It was a basic mistake of my own to want to take his lesson for him.  A basic very painful lesson in itself was to realize that no one gets a by on that. No matter how close we were or good we were together or how anyone else would say how happy the other seemed to be with us...no one gets a by and he wasn't willing to make that leap of faith with me.

I do feel sad and hurt and lost.
I do NOT want to be where I am right now.
I cry at the dumbest times for the dumbest reasons and all I want to do is put my car in the bay or sleep forever.

But I know these feelings aren't real, they are just a side effect of pain and loss and abandonment issues I better get the fuck over if I ever have any hope of a shot with a man who will truly, most assuredly want me.

In the meantime, I need to move like I know where I am going.
Smile like I feel happy.
Mother like I know what the hell I am doing
and like a friend said, get out there with people and believe that my feelings and needs and shortcomings should be taken into consideration just as much as any partner

It's why I left my husband and it's why I had to set some very unsteady reluctant boundaries with Knight, my tall, handsome, funny, smart, loving Nightwatch cop.
I loved him very much.


Hope