Quiet
The weekend was very quiet.
Friday, I slept from 7 pm until 9 the next morning. I hadn't slept that long in at least a year.
Saturday, I went to the kids' school about noon and tablescaped the silent auction items and made some signage. I wanted to leave when I got there. I felt overstimulated and still sleepy even though I had got so much rest. Then I was glad for the company, then I wanted to leave again. I liked the work I had since it was engrossing and I didn't have to talk to anyone very much.
After that I came home about 630 and I put in a movie, but I didn't finish it. I fell asleep until about 11 when Knight texted:
"I love you. Can't text now, but I'm not wavering."
"I'll tell you about it tomorrow."
"You have my love."
I answered that he had mine and then I fell back asleep again and didn't wake up until 730 this morning.
I still have grading and lesson planning tonight and the kids will be home soon...like another ten minutes or so and then the silence will be broken. Which I'm glad of and also not so glad of...I didn't do laundry or clean house at all. The only thing I did was clean up, dust and vaccum my room and purge old medicine and various things in our bathroom.
Today as it has come to an end, I am anxious to hear from him and to find out when he will be coming back and whether or not he is really filing.
On Friday, I told him I would try to be patient and trust the process.
Patient is hard because he has been asking me this for months now, trust is hard because he sometimes doesn't do a lot to cultivate that in me.
I know both of these things keep my friends and family from being over the top in supporting this relationship anymore and quite frankly I can see where they are coming from.
On the other hand I also know how long it took me to stop feeling like Tony's life would be over without me and that I would damage my kids for life if I stepped out and followed my own path. I felt such a burden of guilt and shame and selfishness.
Still the only thing more terrifying about stepping onto a path forward was the idea of standing still where I was and so I finally did move forward with the separation.
I have had some great people support me and love me through this even when I haven't deserved it very much. People have been much better friends to me than I have been to them. And sometimes because of Kinght's stumbling through this and allowing it to hurt me as well, I am faced with the question of whether he deserves my support, too. I'll feel resentful and marginalized.
Still.
Sitting quietly this weekend and thinking about all that has gone on in the last year with my divorce, Stoic's stroke, financial troubles, inlaw wrongs, frustration and doubts inherent with single parenting and all the other things seemingly lined up to have a go at me, I am reminded why I give my love and support to him so fully. He never got jealous as I took care of Stoic 24/7. He would be there sitting in chairs in the ICU waiting room. I would open my eyes from my place laid out on the floor at 3am and there he would be. He would show up with groceries or go gas my truck. He would take whatever work I had in my hands, shake his head "no" and remind me to rest and laugh and not be so serious about it all.
In his shoes I would hope that the person who claimed to love me so much would do the same thing that my friends have done for me, been patient and loved me through it. So I suppose this is why I stay and try to be patient with him when many think he has had his chances and I should find someone who won't put me through so much.
But it's my choice, too.
I make the decision to stay and fight it out--
To tell my truth and remain convinced that our path lies together.
Happiness is a risk.
I read that today.
I was probably supposed to.
Friday, I slept from 7 pm until 9 the next morning. I hadn't slept that long in at least a year.
Saturday, I went to the kids' school about noon and tablescaped the silent auction items and made some signage. I wanted to leave when I got there. I felt overstimulated and still sleepy even though I had got so much rest. Then I was glad for the company, then I wanted to leave again. I liked the work I had since it was engrossing and I didn't have to talk to anyone very much.
After that I came home about 630 and I put in a movie, but I didn't finish it. I fell asleep until about 11 when Knight texted:
"I love you. Can't text now, but I'm not wavering."
"I'll tell you about it tomorrow."
"You have my love."
I answered that he had mine and then I fell back asleep again and didn't wake up until 730 this morning.
I still have grading and lesson planning tonight and the kids will be home soon...like another ten minutes or so and then the silence will be broken. Which I'm glad of and also not so glad of...I didn't do laundry or clean house at all. The only thing I did was clean up, dust and vaccum my room and purge old medicine and various things in our bathroom.
Today as it has come to an end, I am anxious to hear from him and to find out when he will be coming back and whether or not he is really filing.
On Friday, I told him I would try to be patient and trust the process.
Patient is hard because he has been asking me this for months now, trust is hard because he sometimes doesn't do a lot to cultivate that in me.
I know both of these things keep my friends and family from being over the top in supporting this relationship anymore and quite frankly I can see where they are coming from.
On the other hand I also know how long it took me to stop feeling like Tony's life would be over without me and that I would damage my kids for life if I stepped out and followed my own path. I felt such a burden of guilt and shame and selfishness.
Still the only thing more terrifying about stepping onto a path forward was the idea of standing still where I was and so I finally did move forward with the separation.
I have had some great people support me and love me through this even when I haven't deserved it very much. People have been much better friends to me than I have been to them. And sometimes because of Kinght's stumbling through this and allowing it to hurt me as well, I am faced with the question of whether he deserves my support, too. I'll feel resentful and marginalized.
Still.
Sitting quietly this weekend and thinking about all that has gone on in the last year with my divorce, Stoic's stroke, financial troubles, inlaw wrongs, frustration and doubts inherent with single parenting and all the other things seemingly lined up to have a go at me, I am reminded why I give my love and support to him so fully. He never got jealous as I took care of Stoic 24/7. He would be there sitting in chairs in the ICU waiting room. I would open my eyes from my place laid out on the floor at 3am and there he would be. He would show up with groceries or go gas my truck. He would take whatever work I had in my hands, shake his head "no" and remind me to rest and laugh and not be so serious about it all.
In his shoes I would hope that the person who claimed to love me so much would do the same thing that my friends have done for me, been patient and loved me through it. So I suppose this is why I stay and try to be patient with him when many think he has had his chances and I should find someone who won't put me through so much.
But it's my choice, too.
I make the decision to stay and fight it out--
To tell my truth and remain convinced that our path lies together.
Happiness is a risk.
I read that today.
I was probably supposed to.
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