Insides and outsides
He texted in the middle of night. I heard it when it came in at two am since I'm not sleeping, but I tried to wait to answer. I wanted to answer fairly and lovingly and I didn't want him worrying about me not sleeping. I know he is hurting.
My insides are made of strands of fine glass right now. No matter how careful I am, I can feel the shards dig into my flesh. If I startle from a nightmare or a memory of the out of the blue kisses he would place on my hand in the middle of a city sidewalk or a restaurant things like this dislodge and slam into the clear, merciless material scaffolding my middle and creating precise hairfine slices so clean my organs don't bleed, initially. Songs, food, smells, places I drive past, the goddamn police now seemingly rolling all over the city in what now feel like daily personal police escorts... the bed we shared...fuck... I pretty much stay in a perpetual hemmorrhage.
Last night I had to tell the kids. They only knew us to be happy. My girl sobbed. I taught her to not give up and she thinks we are--- oh yeah and I'm having to have these kinds of conversations
with.
my.
kids.
Geeez...
+++.facepalm+++
I feel like the winner of the Shittiest Mother of the Year award. Incidentally, that gets a scholarship to Don't Be a Dumbass University, a $2500 gift card to Hairshirts R Us and a new Apple iSUCK.
I can only say I never believed he would have joined our family, if he wasnt sure. I hate that they were caught in the crossfire. I blew it so bad. so freaking bad...
I'm going to do what I can to distract myself and not feel all this. His absence is almost unbearable and not really an absence at all given it's palpibility.
Like the kids said, 'I know he loved you. I could tell, mommy. You made each other so happy.'
We did.
Now we don't.
We are both zombies at this point.
I worry about him going to work a dangerous job and not being focused and school for me is not the haven I would like. I can't think or function very well right now which totally cuts into my control freak facet which requires competency at all times. ha.
It was impermanent.
For all it's strength it was only as strong as the life we breathed into it.
He couldn't.
He felt too guilty and couldn't see a life with his kids AND me.
For him it was an either or proposition.
Knowing this.
Fully knowing this now makes me realize I never had a scintilla of a chance.
I was dead in the water and I never knew it.
It required more act of the will then he could manage and I know he feels terrible.
So do I.
The crying is the worst part. I did it all day, yesterday and the day before, (sorry to the bestie who tried to make me eat lunch yesterday, I know all the weeping freaked out our waitress) I managed to get through the school day today in this stupor kind of thing, but a guy in a Jeep came a hair's breadth of hitting me at car duty and I lost it. Knight had just talked about coming this week to straighten out traffic in front of the school with some of his officers. It cratered me. Just cratered me in front of fifty or sixty people. Not the best way to assimilate with the coworkers. Damn.
His absence marks me...occasions like these, belt lashes. I almost wish the experiences actually left whelts. I want my insides to match my outsides. I feel crazy from grief.
My insides are made of strands of fine glass right now. No matter how careful I am, I can feel the shards dig into my flesh. If I startle from a nightmare or a memory of the out of the blue kisses he would place on my hand in the middle of a city sidewalk or a restaurant things like this dislodge and slam into the clear, merciless material scaffolding my middle and creating precise hairfine slices so clean my organs don't bleed, initially. Songs, food, smells, places I drive past, the goddamn police now seemingly rolling all over the city in what now feel like daily personal police escorts... the bed we shared...fuck... I pretty much stay in a perpetual hemmorrhage.
Last night I had to tell the kids. They only knew us to be happy. My girl sobbed. I taught her to not give up and she thinks we are--- oh yeah and I'm having to have these kinds of conversations
with.
my.
kids.
Geeez...
+++.facepalm+++
I feel like the winner of the Shittiest Mother of the Year award. Incidentally, that gets a scholarship to Don't Be a Dumbass University, a $2500 gift card to Hairshirts R Us and a new Apple iSUCK.
I can only say I never believed he would have joined our family, if he wasnt sure. I hate that they were caught in the crossfire. I blew it so bad. so freaking bad...
I'm going to do what I can to distract myself and not feel all this. His absence is almost unbearable and not really an absence at all given it's palpibility.
Like the kids said, 'I know he loved you. I could tell, mommy. You made each other so happy.'
We did.
Now we don't.
We are both zombies at this point.
I worry about him going to work a dangerous job and not being focused and school for me is not the haven I would like. I can't think or function very well right now which totally cuts into my control freak facet which requires competency at all times. ha.
It was impermanent.
For all it's strength it was only as strong as the life we breathed into it.
He couldn't.
He felt too guilty and couldn't see a life with his kids AND me.
For him it was an either or proposition.
Knowing this.
Fully knowing this now makes me realize I never had a scintilla of a chance.
I was dead in the water and I never knew it.
It required more act of the will then he could manage and I know he feels terrible.
So do I.
The crying is the worst part. I did it all day, yesterday and the day before, (sorry to the bestie who tried to make me eat lunch yesterday, I know all the weeping freaked out our waitress) I managed to get through the school day today in this stupor kind of thing, but a guy in a Jeep came a hair's breadth of hitting me at car duty and I lost it. Knight had just talked about coming this week to straighten out traffic in front of the school with some of his officers. It cratered me. Just cratered me in front of fifty or sixty people. Not the best way to assimilate with the coworkers. Damn.
His absence marks me...occasions like these, belt lashes. I almost wish the experiences actually left whelts. I want my insides to match my outsides. I feel crazy from grief.
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