Mirrors

I found my wedding picture this weekend. It's incredulous to watch how far from this we have come.

I remember we quarreled over the phone on the morning of our wedding about his mom being rude about the cars my father had arranged. I remember his sisters, one a bridesmaid the other maid of honor, not coming over to my home the morning of the wedding, I remember one friend telling me I shouldn't marry him..that I WAS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. I dismissed that, believing deeply that just the reverse was true and excusing away his family's behavior though neither pattern of belief served me in the least being the unbelievably slow ass learner that I am.

One of the reasons I was so reluctant to divorce was because I thought I was such a mess and Tony was the noble, upright one. I couldn't possibly be anything, but mistaken about what I needed or wanted and woefully selfish to entertain it. That lonely, trapped state of mind was a living hell.

Now I look at all the hateful, petty things he has done since he finally understood what I understood: that we were done and I can't wrap my mind around it.  Knowing that, I stayed. I fought doctors, insurance, caseworkers and family. Slept in chairs, sang, read, bathed, encouraged.  We were over, but I wanted the best for him.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to understand how he can't do that for me, though I do suppose it mirrors our marriage.

Why should this be any different?


Comments

  1. The Mendon FoodieSeptember 17, 2012 at 2:51 AM

    Even though I only know one side of the story and I firmly believe that there are two sides to every story,it is really clear to me that YOU are the much more noble and giving and loving person. But you need to not entertain those kinds of regrets. We each have our own journey and yours has made you the awesome person that you are and brought you the love you have in your life now and the children with whom you couldn't live without. When I have been at low points I have sometimes thought I shouldn't have even married my husband, but then I know that my children are the result of that and I would be so much less of a person without them. No regrets, for me or for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. vixen kittenSeptember 18, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    You need to call me, Sugar.

    I miss you.

    xoxo
    ~vk~

    ReplyDelete

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