Clarity
So he came back to me.
In the rain and cold of a January afternoon.
After a month of being gone.
After I had had time to get up and brush myself off some.
It had been such a hard time and there was damage done to our trust from all the going back and forth.
When he did come back he WAS different.
Standing there asking for a chance to talk to me, he looked exhausted.
He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in days.
I don't remember the exact emotions.
He said I looked mad.
I remember thinking, damn his eyes are so blue.
Then thinking, Oh man do I want to talk to him? It's going to hurt!
Then I nodded yes and asked him to wait until I was done with duty.
Eventually, I heard him out on the back dock of the school kitchen.
He looked convicted.
His hands were shaking as they held a small package.
He was nervous and I was cautious and tense.
I was loathe to pick at a scab that was finally developing some crust.
It had been hard won and highly preferably to the sucking chest wound that it had replaced.
I just wanted him to apologize and leave, I thought.
But he didn't apologize and explain why he left.
Instead
He begged forgiveness and asked for another chance.
I could hear him say the words but I wasn't connecting.
The gears in my brain slipped.
I could get no traction.
I could not believe that he was there and telling me this after everything that had happened.
I really thought he was just there to explain himself and give me some closure.
I knew he loved his kids and that they were the reason he kept going back.
I could not fathom why he would be there asking me to give him another chance since in the last year we had broken it off four times because of them and I was pretty sure he was still a father with the same dilemma.
I had conceded to his decisions weeks earlier and was just ready to move on and yet, now I was standing there in the rain looking at someone I thought I would never see again who was asking me in your best movie ending kind of way to come back to him.
It was surreal.
He told me he was leaving.
He told me he understood if I never wanted to talk to him again, but that if there was any chance that I still loved him that he had to have come and seen me to find out.
He told me he would ask Lee for a divorce and that anything else I needed him to do he would do. He told me that the last month had been horrible for him and he just needed to know if there was any chance that I would give him my trust just one more time.
I gave him my answer right then.
Yes, I was hesitant, but I knew he was the one for me and that him coming back proved my gut instinct hadn't been wrong after all.
I kept asking him. I think I even interrupted him with eyes brimming with tears and my lip quivering like a three year old.
"Are you sure?"
I kept asking.
"Are you sure?"
"Are you sure?"
I beat softly on his chest and took a few steps into his wet, leather jacket.
He took my chin in his hands and lifted it to look at me.
"I am, Hope," he said, "and I'm so sorry I put you through this. I promise this will never happen again. I want a life with you, if you will do me the honor of having one.. I'm just so sorry it took me so long to understand everything"
That was it.
I'm easy I suppose.
My friends were not happy.
Some have warmed up a bit in the last few months, but I think it has affected what they think of me.
I don't regret taking him back.
He has been true to his word.
I know he is convicted now.
He is well into his divorce process and we live together in Galveston now with my children.
Lee finally accepted it was over, but more importantly, Layne has.
I will not say it has been easy.
I still seem to struggle with overreacting when it looks like we might fight or do fight about what couples fight about. I'm still rebuilding trust with him and I still get insecure. But he has been really good about assuring me and letting me revisit what I need to when I need to. Just rereading this blog myself reminds me of what a really awful time 2012 was and everything we dealt with.
All I can say at this point is that I made the right decision.
He's great with the kids, he has a bright future and most importantly, he and I love each other very much.
We have been through a great deal and I know we are strong enough together to make it.
We almost lost everything we had been looking for and I think that is what it took to clarify things for him.
In the rain and cold of a January afternoon.
After a month of being gone.
After I had had time to get up and brush myself off some.
It had been such a hard time and there was damage done to our trust from all the going back and forth.
When he did come back he WAS different.
Standing there asking for a chance to talk to me, he looked exhausted.
He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in days.
I don't remember the exact emotions.
He said I looked mad.
I remember thinking, damn his eyes are so blue.
Then thinking, Oh man do I want to talk to him? It's going to hurt!
Then I nodded yes and asked him to wait until I was done with duty.
Eventually, I heard him out on the back dock of the school kitchen.
He looked convicted.
His hands were shaking as they held a small package.
He was nervous and I was cautious and tense.
I was loathe to pick at a scab that was finally developing some crust.
It had been hard won and highly preferably to the sucking chest wound that it had replaced.
I just wanted him to apologize and leave, I thought.
But he didn't apologize and explain why he left.
Instead
He begged forgiveness and asked for another chance.
I could hear him say the words but I wasn't connecting.
The gears in my brain slipped.
I could get no traction.
I could not believe that he was there and telling me this after everything that had happened.
I really thought he was just there to explain himself and give me some closure.
I knew he loved his kids and that they were the reason he kept going back.
I could not fathom why he would be there asking me to give him another chance since in the last year we had broken it off four times because of them and I was pretty sure he was still a father with the same dilemma.
I had conceded to his decisions weeks earlier and was just ready to move on and yet, now I was standing there in the rain looking at someone I thought I would never see again who was asking me in your best movie ending kind of way to come back to him.
It was surreal.
He told me he was leaving.
He told me he understood if I never wanted to talk to him again, but that if there was any chance that I still loved him that he had to have come and seen me to find out.
He told me he would ask Lee for a divorce and that anything else I needed him to do he would do. He told me that the last month had been horrible for him and he just needed to know if there was any chance that I would give him my trust just one more time.
I gave him my answer right then.
Yes, I was hesitant, but I knew he was the one for me and that him coming back proved my gut instinct hadn't been wrong after all.
I kept asking him. I think I even interrupted him with eyes brimming with tears and my lip quivering like a three year old.
"Are you sure?"
I kept asking.
"Are you sure?"
"Are you sure?"
I beat softly on his chest and took a few steps into his wet, leather jacket.
He took my chin in his hands and lifted it to look at me.
"I am, Hope," he said, "and I'm so sorry I put you through this. I promise this will never happen again. I want a life with you, if you will do me the honor of having one.. I'm just so sorry it took me so long to understand everything"
That was it.
I'm easy I suppose.
My friends were not happy.
Some have warmed up a bit in the last few months, but I think it has affected what they think of me.
I don't regret taking him back.
He has been true to his word.
I know he is convicted now.
He is well into his divorce process and we live together in Galveston now with my children.
Lee finally accepted it was over, but more importantly, Layne has.
I will not say it has been easy.
I still seem to struggle with overreacting when it looks like we might fight or do fight about what couples fight about. I'm still rebuilding trust with him and I still get insecure. But he has been really good about assuring me and letting me revisit what I need to when I need to. Just rereading this blog myself reminds me of what a really awful time 2012 was and everything we dealt with.
All I can say at this point is that I made the right decision.
He's great with the kids, he has a bright future and most importantly, he and I love each other very much.
We have been through a great deal and I know we are strong enough together to make it.
We almost lost everything we had been looking for and I think that is what it took to clarify things for him.
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