Post Mort
I had started a new blog in January. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was pretty sure BSC, Knight's estranged wife was reading it and after all that had happened between October and Christmas, I was raw and very disinterested in having her privy to my every thought.
By October he had left and was coming back. Eventually I helped him do it. Pack, I mean. We came to his former home, packed most of his belongings and we left. I had a prescience that day about how hard it would be for her to come home and find what he had done and I also felt guilt. Still I had learned that trying to steal someone else's lessons or trying to do their homework on their behalf was no better of an idea so I did nothing, but speculate.
When he left me at Christmas I would return to these moments in October when it was her he had left without communicating and I would answer my own question as to how awful it would be to experience this.
This time between late October and Christmas was stressful.
I was always worried about what he was going to do.
I was always worried about whether he was going back.
I hated when he kept things from me.
I hated when I found out he was going to a counseling weekend to appease her.
I hated when she would use the kids to guilt him into doing things as a family and then invite herself along.
Her I didn't hate.
In a way, I had to admire her commitment and tenacity.
I think had it been me dealing with someone as indecisive as Layne was at the time, I would have let him go.
Frankly, I don't know why I didn't let him go myself.
It was an awful time.
Still I understood how hard it was to be making the life decisions he was making. I had been moving towards them far more slowly than he was. It took me five or six years to end my marriage and Stoic was oblivious to most of my angst for the majority of the time. He was doing it in less than a year and she was fighting him tooth and nail. Nails being appealing to his sense of fairness, duty, role as a father and any other element she thought guilt might affect.
When Knight left me at Christmas, I truly believed I was done with him. I believed the pain I was in was well earned and a result of falling in love and wanting to start a life with a man who had not finished his old one, yet. Moreover he wasn't sure, if he wanted to.
Thanksgiving came and went and still he had not made any inroads with a divorce filing. He had not talked to the kids yet. He just kept saying he would and appeasing her. It drove me nuts to have him park our truck down the street from her house so she would not be offended. I hated that he took all the responsibility and accepted the resultant guilt for the demise of the marriage. We fought alot in the fall. I didn't trust him.
She still texted and told him she loved him and he would tell her he loved her, too and that he was just confused or that he loved her, too, but not in the way she wanted him, too. He left things in limbo and it would just make me so insecure. I was a reading his phone all the time nutjob. He was stressed, too trying to keep everyone happy though no one was.
In retrospect this sort of thing went on until that night at Christmas when we pulled up to her house so he could make plans for the holidays. I had found plans on his phone for him to go with his family to a Christmas gathering at his mom's and I was so angry and upset. I asked him how he could even think going was a good idea? If he was leaving, really leaving, how could he want to go? He said he didn't. That she had trapped him in a conversation in front of the kids, who both pleaded as well that he go. He felt cornered. He knew I was right, but he wasn't ready for me to be right and my anger only made him more sullen.
I thought we had worked it out and he wasn't as wobbly about his decision not to go, but then when we pulled up to his house and he pulled up two more driveways before parking, I lost it. I got out of the truck and walked to the restaurant. That was all he needed to justify doing what he did later that evening. The stress and indecisiveness put him into an automatic pilot and me into denial...well denial until I sat in the back of that deputy's shop for my ride home.
By October he had left and was coming back. Eventually I helped him do it. Pack, I mean. We came to his former home, packed most of his belongings and we left. I had a prescience that day about how hard it would be for her to come home and find what he had done and I also felt guilt. Still I had learned that trying to steal someone else's lessons or trying to do their homework on their behalf was no better of an idea so I did nothing, but speculate.
When he left me at Christmas I would return to these moments in October when it was her he had left without communicating and I would answer my own question as to how awful it would be to experience this.
This time between late October and Christmas was stressful.
I was always worried about what he was going to do.
I was always worried about whether he was going back.
I hated when he kept things from me.
I hated when I found out he was going to a counseling weekend to appease her.
I hated when she would use the kids to guilt him into doing things as a family and then invite herself along.
Her I didn't hate.
In a way, I had to admire her commitment and tenacity.
I think had it been me dealing with someone as indecisive as Layne was at the time, I would have let him go.
Frankly, I don't know why I didn't let him go myself.
It was an awful time.
Still I understood how hard it was to be making the life decisions he was making. I had been moving towards them far more slowly than he was. It took me five or six years to end my marriage and Stoic was oblivious to most of my angst for the majority of the time. He was doing it in less than a year and she was fighting him tooth and nail. Nails being appealing to his sense of fairness, duty, role as a father and any other element she thought guilt might affect.
When Knight left me at Christmas, I truly believed I was done with him. I believed the pain I was in was well earned and a result of falling in love and wanting to start a life with a man who had not finished his old one, yet. Moreover he wasn't sure, if he wanted to.
Thanksgiving came and went and still he had not made any inroads with a divorce filing. He had not talked to the kids yet. He just kept saying he would and appeasing her. It drove me nuts to have him park our truck down the street from her house so she would not be offended. I hated that he took all the responsibility and accepted the resultant guilt for the demise of the marriage. We fought alot in the fall. I didn't trust him.
She still texted and told him she loved him and he would tell her he loved her, too and that he was just confused or that he loved her, too, but not in the way she wanted him, too. He left things in limbo and it would just make me so insecure. I was a reading his phone all the time nutjob. He was stressed, too trying to keep everyone happy though no one was.
In retrospect this sort of thing went on until that night at Christmas when we pulled up to her house so he could make plans for the holidays. I had found plans on his phone for him to go with his family to a Christmas gathering at his mom's and I was so angry and upset. I asked him how he could even think going was a good idea? If he was leaving, really leaving, how could he want to go? He said he didn't. That she had trapped him in a conversation in front of the kids, who both pleaded as well that he go. He felt cornered. He knew I was right, but he wasn't ready for me to be right and my anger only made him more sullen.
I thought we had worked it out and he wasn't as wobbly about his decision not to go, but then when we pulled up to his house and he pulled up two more driveways before parking, I lost it. I got out of the truck and walked to the restaurant. That was all he needed to justify doing what he did later that evening. The stress and indecisiveness put him into an automatic pilot and me into denial...well denial until I sat in the back of that deputy's shop for my ride home.
Comments
Post a Comment