Please Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Car at All Times.
I think I'm on the downside of worry where my job is concerned. They will be moving me to second grade next year, if all goes as they think it will. That is fine by me. It will take me out of the firing line STAAR test wise and give me time to adjust to elementary. The principal at the junior high knows I want a position there and if something opens up, I still might take it. That school is a whole five minutes away, almost three times as far as where I travel now! I'll take what is offered and assume that is where I am meant to be.
The kids have been getting an ungodly amount of work. Projects, science fairs and the like. Currently I am at a late night job with Knight working on typing up their Science Fair since neither would finish until Christmas were I to let them type it. Tomorrow Little Guy's teacher is getting an ass chewing for a myriad of reasons. In a nutshell, as an educator, she leaves much to be desired. Naturally, so do I at this point. I have much to learn about littles. Still. The main difference between she and I is that I know this and she SOOOO doesn't. She's arrogant, lazy and ineffective. More on this later.
I have been struggling with nightmares lately. I dream of my children getting hurt or my being asked to make some horrible choice from a group of choices that are all also completely horrible or I have been dreaming of this baby that has glass all over them. I don't know it if is a girl or a boy, only that I am frantic to get all the small pieces of glass out of it. I wake up horrified and upset and naturally call Layne completely freaked out. He talks me down or comes home and talks me down. In either case I'm relieved.
Most of it has to be stress. With my last evaluation meeting, I hope that the dreams will lessen. I do feel much better now that they are over and it has been alluded that I still have a contract there. Still, I worry about keeping my job, paying all the bills, meeting all of my obligations, how the kids are adjusting, Layne's oldest son disliking me, my father's health, getting the house in order, having a better relationship with Joanna, a friend of mine going through his divorce, whether Knight will leave again...though I know that is pretty irrational at this point, I still flinch emotionally when something (innocuous to him) happens. Yes, I know. No wonder I nightmare so much!
I blow things totally out of proportion, fret, worry and generally turn into a complete hot mess of a control freak and I know my period can enhance this crap as well as old tapes and triggers from my past. It's so damn frustrating to have cognition on this, but not enough emotional intelligence to avoid getting tripped up on this amusement park ride from hell until I get to the situational equivalent of "Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times" and it's too late to get off. It drives me crazy that I can't just read the damn sign to the ride, say "Oh HELL no." and head for something more my speed,you know, like The Teacup.
For the most part though I also have experienced calmer waters these days and see some respite, which is good. I'm hoping I have earned it and that I learn how to calm the fuck down.
The kids have been getting an ungodly amount of work. Projects, science fairs and the like. Currently I am at a late night job with Knight working on typing up their Science Fair since neither would finish until Christmas were I to let them type it. Tomorrow Little Guy's teacher is getting an ass chewing for a myriad of reasons. In a nutshell, as an educator, she leaves much to be desired. Naturally, so do I at this point. I have much to learn about littles. Still. The main difference between she and I is that I know this and she SOOOO doesn't. She's arrogant, lazy and ineffective. More on this later.
I have been struggling with nightmares lately. I dream of my children getting hurt or my being asked to make some horrible choice from a group of choices that are all also completely horrible or I have been dreaming of this baby that has glass all over them. I don't know it if is a girl or a boy, only that I am frantic to get all the small pieces of glass out of it. I wake up horrified and upset and naturally call Layne completely freaked out. He talks me down or comes home and talks me down. In either case I'm relieved.
Most of it has to be stress. With my last evaluation meeting, I hope that the dreams will lessen. I do feel much better now that they are over and it has been alluded that I still have a contract there. Still, I worry about keeping my job, paying all the bills, meeting all of my obligations, how the kids are adjusting, Layne's oldest son disliking me, my father's health, getting the house in order, having a better relationship with Joanna, a friend of mine going through his divorce, whether Knight will leave again...though I know that is pretty irrational at this point, I still flinch emotionally when something (innocuous to him) happens. Yes, I know. No wonder I nightmare so much!
I blow things totally out of proportion, fret, worry and generally turn into a complete hot mess of a control freak and I know my period can enhance this crap as well as old tapes and triggers from my past. It's so damn frustrating to have cognition on this, but not enough emotional intelligence to avoid getting tripped up on this amusement park ride from hell until I get to the situational equivalent of "Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times" and it's too late to get off. It drives me crazy that I can't just read the damn sign to the ride, say "Oh HELL no." and head for something more my speed,you know, like The Teacup.
For the most part though I also have experienced calmer waters these days and see some respite, which is good. I'm hoping I have earned it and that I learn how to calm the fuck down.
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