Electricity

I'm 45. I have four kids. 16, 14, 12 and 8. Divorced. I teach elementary in the hood and live near the beach. My boyfriend/fiance, is a police Lt and is in the middle of his own divorce. He has two kids, 12 and 6. We have been through a crucible in the last year and a half and have seen the best and worst parts of each other in the interim.

I just moved out of the house I gave birth to three of my kids in. I spent 21 years there with my now ex-husband. The new house is just that. New. The kids have  more room. Knight is close to work and I am even closer. I love it here. It holds so much promise.

The travails of single parenting and blended families is beginning in earnest. My youngest son is headstrong and disinterested in too much school. He has become easily distracted and prone to off task type behavior in the classroom. Naturally, guilt creeps in and I think this is all the result of the divorce, but when I take a minute I know that some of these things are just organic and the divorce is sometimes a lightning rod for the natural electricity of living that would fall to earth one way or the other.

My biggest challenge right now is not getting swallowed up by anxiety and frustration when I can't get it all done in a day or when I'm not as consistent as a parent or as a teacher as I would like to be. I'd give anything just to veg out for a couple of weeks, but YEESH! Who wouldn't???

Knight is went to lineup and I am now in my house sitting on the couch illuminated by a single lamp.
The dishwasher is on and the laundry is not running, though it probably should be. I have school work to do and a report to help Little Guy with in case I change my mind and don't let him go to school without his work.

I'm still thinking about Stoic and wondering how much of an impact the anniversary of his stroke had on him today. It was a death of sorts. He no longer behaves the way he once did. He's very different. He went from quiet, stoic and even tempered to emotional, unpredictable and tempestuous. I wonder if he has that awareness and if he does is there a sense of loss or a sense of gain?


Comments

  1. CoffeypotApril 15, 2013 at 6:01 AM

    Personality change is common with stroke victims. Either from the damage or an internal awakening dowsed with some self-pitty or anger at their inability to function as before. But what ever his change, it is not your fault. He would be the same way if you were there. Forget him as much as you can and move on. +

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